We are about to enter the period of the “Three Weeks”, the time of semi-mourning between the 17th of Tammuz (July 5) and the Ninth of Av (July 26) during which celebrations are diminished. Although weddings are not held during this period, getting engaged is always OK. Why? As the Shulchan Aruch states, “lest somebody else beat him to it, and he loses the opportunity to marry this woman.”
This is reminiscent of an another period of muted joy following Passover where engagements are also allowed “because Jewish Law views the supreme importance of certain areas of life, such as finding, with God’s help, one’s life partner, as over-riding the requirements of sfirat haOmer mourning.”
OK. So you can get engaged. The next question is to whom?
When you talk about romance and love and marriage and Judaism, one other word that inevitably comes up is “bashert.” Translated as “fated,” bashert is often used to mean a predestined soulmate.
According to tradition, 40 days before a child is conceived, God has already decided one’s bashert, “literally, a match made in heaven.” But as Judaism 101 points out, just because a match is made in heaven “doesn’t mean that your marriage will be trouble-free. Marriage, like everything worthwhile in life, requires dedication, effort and energy.”
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin goes one step further and says that even if your soulmate is predestined, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to get moving. He proves that by quoting the Gemarah’s incredible statement that bringing two people together in marriage is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea. (Sanhedrin 22a)
Rabbi Riskin explains that God was prepared to split the Red Sea to save the Israelites, but the Israelites had to make the first move. “Comparing marriage to the splitting of the Red Sea is how the sages address the doubts and fears all couples face. The comparison tells the questioning and even fearful loving friends at the brink of a critical decision that they have to take the plunge, make the first move, be willing to work hard and to constantly move forward. Neither he nor she may sit back and wait for ‘bashert.’”
There is a midrash about a Roman woman who asked a rabbi, “‘If your God created the universe in six days, then what has He been doing with his time since then?’ The rabbi said that God has been arranging marriages. The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female slaves and matched them up in marriages.
“The next day, the slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the rabbi and said, ‘There is no god like your God, and your Torah is true.’”
Actually, Rabbi Yoni Lavi takes a contrary – and somewhat controversial – point of view. He attempts to debunk several Jewish dating myths including, “Every person has one special someone.” Not so says the rabbi! He explains that “everyone has many more than just one person with whom he/she can marry and establish a loving, happy and enduring relationship. The mentality that in a world of more than seven billion people there is only one person wandering about that is meant for me – my twin, my soulmate – who, if found, will provide me eternal happiness and who, if not found, will doom me to despair and misfortune for the rest of my life, is a dangerous illusion. There is a gigantic field of hundreds, and maybe even more, of appropriate and worthwhile mates.”
He also takes on the following “myths.”
Myth: I simply haven’t met the right one.
Reality: Maybe you have and you told her/him “No!”
Myth: Without you, I am half a person; without you, I am nothing.
Reality: A single person is not a broken vessel or a worthless wretch.
Myth: Men disqualify women based on superficialities like appearance.
Reality: This is true not only of men, but also of women.
Myth: When it is “the one,” then you will know.
Reality: It is clear that you have watched too many romantic dramas.
Myth: Meeting on the Internet is for the pathetic and the desperate.
Reality: Friend, you are passé.
(Read Rabbi Lavi’s article for a complete explanation of these myths.)
So how do know if you’ve found your true bashert? An article at Judaism 101 summarizes the traditional view. You cannot really know who your bashert is “but once you get married, the person you married is by definition your bashert, so you should not let concerns about finding your bashert discourage you from marrying someone.”
It seems as if Martin Bodek has done his share of soul-searching and has some words of encouragement for anyone who is dating. Although the odds may seem daunting, Bodek uses some high-falootin’ calculations to prove how there are billions of people in the world who are wrong for you. But one out there is right!
After whittling away practically everybody as incompatible, he focuses on your final 100 potential basherts. “Ten are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafah [philosophical] problems with, 10 you’re not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn’t approve of. Only 10 left! Of the remaining 10, five you share no chemistry with, one is a fruitcake, one is nutty, one scares you for no particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue. That leaves your bashert, your soulmate, your life partner. He/she’s just around the corner! Go get him/her!”