With autumn behind us and the end of the semester just around the corner, it’s important for the whole family to prepare for the potential shock waves that a report card can send through your home.
This isn’t for everyone – a small minority of well-adjusted, academically gifted parents and students will be sticking report cards on refrigerators, celebrating, and generally enjoying each other’s company. To you I say: congratulations on your success, and even your closest friends resent you. Feel free to use this time to clear up some diploma space on your perfect walls.
Normal people, listen up: familiarizing yourself with these survival strategies is your only way through a potentially devastating moment of self-awareness and communication. Let’s start with the kids in the house. Parents, hand this to your child and leave the room. It’s OK. I’m a professional
Are they gone?
First off: admit nothing. Trying to “soften the landing” by hinting at the terrible grades to come is a rookie mistake. From now on, you are anticipating greatness. You deserve greatness. Act proud of your efforts and genuinely shocked by the results. Remember that your parents will love you no matter what – that’s their biggest weakness. So don’t be afraid to try out several of the following excu-reasons why your grades are misleading or unfair:
1. School is dumb. There’s an app for everything they’re trying to teach.
2. That grade is a lot higher than it seems. Everyone else is doing much worse.
3. Your teacher isn’t fair. Other kids misbehave without getting in trouble. (Make up an example.)
4. You lost all those marks for talking in class, but really someone else was talking and you got in trouble for it.
5. The whole exam was based on the thing you missed that day you were sick.
6. Do you have chores around the house? Tell your parents you have too many responsibilities.
7. No chores? Tell your parents they don’t trust you enough.
8. Tell your parents how many of your classmates are on ADD medication (exaggerate). Complain about their unfair advantage. If you’re currently taking ADD medication, complain about a “culture of over-diagnosis.” Tell your parents you don’t feel like yourself anymore.
9. Accept responsibility and set measurable goals for future success. (totally joking – just wanted to see if you were still reading.)
OK, now hand this back to your parents. You could keep reading, but that sounds a lot like homework, doesn’t it?
Parents, I’m not going to lie. It can be hard to see your child judged by the world, and even harder to realize they might not be exceptional. It’s time to face some uncomfortable facts: your child is perfect. The system is in a constant state of catastrophic failure and trying to excuse itself by casting blame on you, the parents. Resist any temptation to blame yourself. Remember: you’re the victim here. Internalize three to five of the following defences before parent-teacher interviews roll around:
1. Your child is intimidated by the success (failure) of an older (younger) sibling.
2. Your child is so advanced that s/he is bored in class.
3. Schools are too soft nowadays. The strong example you set at home is being undermined in the classroom.
4. Schools are too strict nowadays. When did children stop being children?
5. There are too many students in that class.
6. That teacher/principal/psychiatrist/guidance counsellor/parole officer is incompetent.
7. The Internet. (Can be used to verify any opinion about child behaviour. Bonus points for referencing Snapchat or Grand Theft Auto.)
8. Public school parents: Denounce public school as a waste of time. Blame government subsidy structure.
9. Private school parents: Denounce private school as a waste of money. Blame government subsidy structure.
10. Your child should/shouldn’t have been tested for ADD/ADHD. And besides, the tests are wrong.
11. Memorize a list of successful people who never graduated high school. Embellish. Cite liberally.
Good luck, and remember: if you have any questions about the above, it means it wasn’t written clearly enough.