Dear Ella,

My daughter Steph recently blessed us with a second grandchild, a sister for Lucas. Of course I wanted to help anyway I could, so I offered to take Lucas for the day. Steph has strict rules when it comes to what her kids eat and do at home, so I thought I would give Lucas a treat. I took him to play in the McDonald’s Playland and bought him fries. He was so excited he told his mom and she freaked. You’d think I fed him poison. There is definitely a coldness between us now. Did I really do something so terrible? Shouldn’t kids get to experience everything?  

Busted

Dear Busted

You crossed a line grandparents should never cross. If you knew Steph had specific wishes of what she wants her children to eat and do, then why did you feel you could cross that boundary?

Of course everything you do is out of love, but think about why you chose this activity. You didn’t have to go to McDonald’s Playland, there are plenty of parks that offer the same type of activity. As for a treat, I’m sure there is an abundance of treats Lucas is permitted. You took him there so you could offer him something special, something different, a first the two of you could share together. So whose fulfilment was this really about?

No matter how inconsequential you may feel this was, it’s not your decision to make. One of the hardest things for grandparents to accept is that your grandchildren are not your own children. You are not the primary caregiver or decision maker. Even though you love your grandkids as your own, you are a grandmother, which takes you one step back from being allowed to make the simple decisions you made with your own kids.

The sooner you get comfortable in your role as a grandparent, the sooner you will harmonize the whole family unit and you and Steph will have a much better relationship. She already knows she can trust her children’s safety to you, but she must be able to trust you enough to know that you will respect her decisions as a parent. You raised her to be the wonderful, responsible mom she is, so don’t sabotage her methods for any reason. If you’re not sure, ask. You need to find a way to create these special moments without crossing the line.

Dear Ella,

My friend fixed me up with a great girl. I would venture to say that this one may be a keeper, but there’s one big problem – she’s invading my territory.

We’ve gotten fairly comfortable with each other, and she now feels free to eat food off my plate, sometimes using her fingers. She stays over at my place and helps herself to my T-shirts, she checks her email, Facebook and Twitter on my computer, and she uses my toiletries. I have kept my mouth shut, but I’m going to blow. We have to fix this before I show her the door. Any suggestions?

What’s Mine is Mine

Dear What’s Mine is Mine,

Relationships require communication and compromise. I understand that you are territorial, but you have to learn to share and set boundaries for this to work.

You are cultivating a relationship and one of the fundamentals is trust. Trust happens when both of you open yourselves up to each other; when you find that you want to make your partner happy by giving and sacrificing;  and when you crave the feeling of being as one. Then you truly know you are in a loving, growing relationship. You aren’t there yet.

That doesn’t mean that everything of yours needs to be hers or vice versa, but you need to chill. Talk it out and come to a solution you can live with. Perhaps ask her to check with you before she helps herself to something of yours or before she puts her fingers in your food?

Examine what it is that makes you so territorial and see if you can work through it. It’s about communication. If you can’t get past this, then at least give her a fighting chance by letting her know how you feel. She may care enough to respect the time you need to adjust to being a couple.