Even as the evolution of communications technology continues to destabilize and redefine the geopolitical landscape, we still find ourselves shocked, from time to time, as the institutions that form our social bedrock  are suddenly, violently uprooted.

I refer, of course, to this very newspaper, and the recent change of leadership it has undergone, in the person of Yoni Goldstein.

I have known Goldstein since his adolescent days – when he was a carefree young Marxist, idly dreaming of subverting a national Jewish publication to re-educate the population to his will and whim.

Those dreams would not stay idle for long.

At 16, after seizing control of our high school paper in a bloodless coup, Goldstein rededicated the publication to Noam Chomsky, Edward Said, and unyielding criticism of the State of Israel. One early article bearing Goldstein’s byline even described the political situation there as “complex”. Goldstein has repeatedly apologized, calling the piece “a youthful indiscretion” – but his true stripes were revealed, and they remain visible to this day.

Now, through a series of deceptions so complex it makes House of Cardslook like a game of tag, his boyhood dreams have come to fruition: Yoni “Che” Goldstein (he insists on the nickname) now helms our dearest ship, his eyes firmly affixed on the rocks.

What Goldstein fails to realize is that this hallowed weekly is more than just a newspaper – it is a blunt instrument, to be wielded in defence of our community. While our new editor-in-chief is preoccupied befriending J Street and Queers Against Israeli Apartheid, who will protect our interests? Who will warn us of resurgent anti-Semitism? Who will feature pictures of our grandchildren at a food drive?

I am not prone to overstatement or overreaction – it is my careful, reasoned opinion that this newspaper’s recent subversion is a threat more dangerous than Iran’s nuclear program. The transfer of The Canadian Jewish News into the hands of a communist vegan hipster like Goldstein is an affront to the morals, values, ethics, beliefs, principles  – and, most importantly, the midot of our community.

In Pirkei Avot, our sages tell us to judge each man leniently. Clearly, our sages never met Yoni Goldstein. I call on the leaders of our community to take a stand – intervene editorially in the workings of The Canadian Jewish News, boycott all news journalism in protest, and declare a cherem on the elitist few who wish to broaden our horizons so excessively.

Some people will reject my theories as paranoid, closed-minded, or neo-McCarthyist – but anyone who says so is a self-hating Jew.