Purim Parenting Corner: put the little darlings to work

(The following article represents the views of the writer and not that of The CJN or any other normal human being.)

Kids. You can’t live without them, you can’t make them sleep in the garage. I know, because I’ve tried, and they don’t like it.

It seems to me it wasn’t that long ago that I, too, was a rebellious youngster with a mind of his own who didn’t particularly like to hear what his parents had to say. Now, at the other end of the parenting spectrum, I don’t particularly like what the kids have to say, all sass and brass and back talk. 

Was I ever that big a brat?

Nah, never.

Well, maybe once. But those records are sealed, never to be seen again.

Parenting, it’s been said, is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and whoever said that was right. But it’s right only because of our precious #$@%&$ little children – whom we all love and cherish, by the way. Let me put that on the record right now.

So how does one get through the difficult years, the ones after they’re toilet trained, but not yet living on their own.

Well, you can try to get the orthodontist to wire their mouths shut, but despite the most persuasive arguments and the offer of a free car wash for a year, that hasn’t worked yet.

Or you can try to find them a job. That would get them out of the house for a time, and when they got back, they’d probably be too tired for their normal stress-inducing behaviours. Hey, it’s more cost effective than registering them for expensive extra-curricular activities, but there are those damned child-friendly labour laws to consider.

And pampered as they are, they’d probably ask for a ride to work. 

When I was a youngster, even at age nine, my friends and I would take the bus downtown and were away the entire day without parental supervision. If our kids did that today, we’d probably have children’s services on our tails, ready to put us in jail for neglect.

Come to think of it, our parents’ entire generation could have been investigated and ended up with lengthy stays in the crowbar hotel. In fact, all the parental generations throughout history would have criminal records if they were around today.

OK, so a parent needs something that will keep the kids busy and be legal at the same time. How about a job as doorman at an exotic dancer peeler bar?

It is a bit of a grey area, admittedly. But it would take place after school, so those damned intrusive truancy people would be kept at bay.

The shift at the afternoon jamboree might work, but not the evening one. If we get them there right after school and child labour codes are respected, the delightful, hard-working little tykes – did I mention how much we cherish them? – could put in a good day’s work and be back home in time for milk and cookies.

Update: my wife – she who must be obeyed – has kinda’ nixed the peeler bar idea. I guess all that’s left is to put them in front of the computer and turn them into Minecraft zombies, for whom the world begins and ends at a computer screen.

A lot of parents are doing that right now. It’s a social, bonding, keep-them-in-the-loop kind of thing, don’t you know. I guess we’re going to climb aboard that parenting bandwagon.

There’s another one-one vote that I lost.

Still, I like the make-’em-work approach. They can take up the computer when they’re older and wiser – well, at least when they’re older. Except then, they might have kids of their own and…That’s it. Let them get a taste of their own medicine with their own kids, the little darlings.

What comes around, goes around. It will be poetic justice.

In the meantime, I’m going to take a nap – in the garage.