WRY BREAD Jews, rest easy. GOLEM is here

David Levine

OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s government continues to take bold action against anti-Semitism and hatred of all kind. Despite the controversy surrounding recent threats by government lawyers to have organizers of BDS (boycott, divestment and sanctions) campaigns prosecuted for hate speech, Canada’s federal government has unveiled a broad new technological initiative designed to better enforce hate speech laws nationwide.

In a surprise move, it announced the formation of the new Government Office of Legally Enforced Mentalities (or GOLEM), a pre-crime program that utilizes the latest predictive technologies to target and eliminate anti-Semitic and anti-Israel speech before it occurs. 

How does it work? If GOLEM’s algorithm were to detect an upcoming hate crime – say, a terrorist plot, or a freshman gathering signatures for a divestment campaign – GOLEM would automatically send the name and location of the criminal to the nearest law enforcement officer, notify GOLEM’s new judicial algorithm of the parameters for sentencing and contact an Uber driver to take the accused straight to prison.

As explained by Harper spokesman Richard K. Philip, “pre-criminal detection technology is based on a revolutionary algorithm that uses metadata, social media and the Matrix to target only those subjects whom we know are guilty, or will be guilty in the near future.” 

And how can they know that a crime will be committed? “Because of the algorithm,” repeats Philip. “It’s revolutionary.”

Like the threatened BDS prosecutions, the GOLEM initiative will be authorized under the recently passed “Anti-Terror Act,” Bill C-51 – and GOLEM’s early success has silenced critics who called it “sweeping, dangerously vague and likely ineffective,” or wondered about the wisdom of changing the Criminal Code to allow police to make “preventative arrests.” (I can only assume that this explains their silence. We haven’t been able to contact any critics of GOLEM since the day the program began.)

“Violence against Jews is illegal,” says Philip, “and now, so is attempting, planning, threatening, considering or imagining it. We feel very confident we’ll be able to prosecute these opinions underground to fester where they belong. And the real beauty of it lies in the old adage that once something has been outlawed, it never manages to gain any sort of allure or traction – especially within a student population.”

GOLEM’s trial project has been a huge success, uncovering many more subversive, terrorist and un-Canadian plots than ever imagined. Officials have confirmed that a major terror plot was disrupted (though details remain confidential), alongside 29 loose plans to deface synagogues, 953 offensive opinions expressed about the State of Israel and one 17-year-old student’s plan – following an argument about reality television – to punch classmate Sharon Jacobson in the face. 

Philip is quick to explain that GOLEM isn’t just about arresting people: “We’ve managed to prevent the incarceration of several students who were just days from learning about a BDS campaign. By arresting their professor, those students have safely avoided the topic!”

While the technology behind this program promises hundreds of applications – such as forecasting the weather or preventing murder – Philip confirms that Bill C-51 restricts the use of GOLEM “strictly to anti-Semitic and anti-Israel hate/thought crimes. The secret language in the secret part of the bill could not be clearer.”

Philip highlighted the Harper government’s strong relationship with Canada’s Jewish population as the inspiration for the program: “We believe in small, effective government that looks after the people – and that goes double for you people [Jews]. Think of us as the older brother you always needed. We have your back.”

And so, like its namesake, the GOLEM program is poised to stand watch over Canada and its Jews for years to come, tirelessly monitoring our phone calls, wireless networks and banking information, detecting every single encroachment on our civil liberties until the day when there are no more to be found.