Most of us are taught the basics of good manners: we say please and thank you. We use these phrases constantly, almost as a reflex, even without thinking. But we do need to think a bit more about the meaning and the intent.

I admit to being immensely pleased when my grandchildren automatically say thank you as I hand them a cookie. But it’s that automatic response that concerns me today. 

Is the formal phrase “thank you” sufficient to show gratitude? Does the utterance itself aid us in expressing such an important message? If we teach it to our children as a pro forma reaction, are we inculcating gratitude from a proper perspective? Primarily, I am troubled with our ability to display gratitude.

Judaism certainly focuses on these questions. Even before getting out of bed, Jews are supposed to say “Modah Ani,” thanking God for returning our lives to us. We are grateful for life, for breath, for our existence. Even if we suffer in real terms, we still need to give credit for the fact of life. It is not simply a matter of seeing a silver lining in every cloud. That is a simplistic approach. Rather, I believe we existentially need to look at the totality of our lives and put things into context. We need to locate a complete sense of self and of life. I think that we are required to live graciously, which implies showing gratitude.

There are significant Jewish prayers for such ideas and concepts. Men and women are both obliged to articulate them. In fact, Maimonides ruled that no prayer could be considered proper if it did not have three components: praise of God, thanks to God and a request from God. So clearly, gratitude is an essential element in Judaism, as it should be. 

But prayers are not our only means of expression. There are formidable occasions in our tradition marked for thanksgiving. Primarily the holiday of Sukkot is dedicated to thanksgiving for the harvest. North Americans also have a Thanksgiving holiday. I believe that every known culture and tradition has a special day or occasion for this process of thanksgiving. Food, family, occasional prayers and fun usually pervade these occasions. On all levels, whether in prayer, by eating together with others, or in family gatherings, we are dedicated to giving thanks at special junctures. We can view it as a pervasively human activity.

I know we can all think of diverse thanksgiving opportunities and experiences – fun times when we celebrated and gave thanks. But my quest remains one of meaning and purpose. What are we expressing when we sit at the table or utter these prayers? How do these displays of indebtedness and thankfulness reflect our beliefs and judgments?

In Judaism, we have a special phrase for these affairs. For me, these words combine to offer a unique insight to the act of giving thanks. The expression hakarat hatov means recognition of the good. It’s what we say or do when something has happened and we need to meditate on the moment before we celebrate. We must recognize the good. Isn’t that amazing! More than merely saying thank you, we locate the specific act as a performance of goodness. We give thanks because something good happened. Is this naïve optimism or accurate acknowledgement? 

Personally, I want to think of this as truthful description appropriate for demonstrations of gratitude. It seems to me that saying thank you means something good has happened. If that’s the case, then I need to recognize that there is good in the world. A simple thank you does not seem adequate to express this recognition, this acceptance of the world we live in. 

Good things happen, even in terrible times. Living with that knowledge brightens the world and elevates my thank you. I want to express hakarat hatov to my family and friends. Thank you all.