Dear Ella,

I’ve been searching for the right man for a long time, and I think I’ve finally found him. Larry has a heart the size of the moon. We met during a friend’s party at a club about a month ago. We left the rest of the group to have a drink on our own. He is a doll, everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy except for one little thing: he’s separated, but he still lives under the same roof as his wife and daughter.

I know this should send up red flags, but for some reason, I trust him. He and his wife have been separated for more than seven months, but they have a young daughter together, and she’s having a difficult time with daddy being gone, so Larry explained to me that his daughter must come first, and until she is stable enough, he won’t leave.  His daughter is seeing a therapist to help her through this, and Larry has been nothing but open and honest with me from the moment we met.

I know this isn’t the ideal situation, and all my friends are telling me that I’m an idiot, but deep down, I have a really good feeling about this guy. I don’t want to give him up just because the timing is bad. What do you think?

Committed

Dear Committed,

It’s difficult to find the right partner these days, so I can understand your elation over finding someone whom you feel is a good fit. Larry does sound like he has his heart in the right place, but the right place at the moment isn’t with you. It’s with his daughter. Although this is very admirable, and I can see how you would be attracted to a guy who seems so loving and caring, these emotions aren’t directed at you. You may think Larry is the best person, but he’s not right for you, at least not right now, while he’s not in the position to make any kind of commitment. You could  be investing a lot of time in him and never have anything materialize. But worse than that, you could get your heart broken.

Larry is in the early stages of breaking up his family. He has so much on his plate now and going into the future that he can really use a positive, fun diversion. That’s where you come in. Dating Larry will be unpredictable at best, and you could end up playing a waiting game that you may never win.

Even if Larry’s daughter comes to terms with her parents’ separation, there’s so much for him to work out, such as living, financial, custody arrangements to mention a few. So much has to fall into place before you become Larry’s priority. You deserve a guy who is ready to put you first. A good relationship means you both have to be on the same page to make it work.

Your friends are right. This isn’t the right time for you and Larry. You can only work with the reality of the situation, and the reality is that he is still living under the same roof with his wife and daughter. They’re still a family unit, and you don’t belong – at least not right now.

Let Larry go, and move on. The longer you prolong this, the harder it will be and the more you’ll be hurt.

You need to fall in love with a man who is prepared to make you No. 1 in his life. You deserve nothing less.

Readers may submit their questions to Ella at The CJN, e-mail: [email protected]. But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional.